love and loss

Today, I helped a friend with her assignment. I am surprised for its my first time seeing her struggle with studies. She is usually the one who puts much effort into her studies; the top student in producing top quality work; the student who stands out in class for asking the lecturer difficult questions. But when we started our semester this year, she seemed so out of zone and she missed out on quite a few classes. To me, it was apparent she had a lot on her mind and was having difficulty on letting go of some issues in the past.

We talked for a bit when we were together. She told me she had been feeling unwell for the past few weeks and that she had some anxiety issues. When she was telling me this, I knew instantly that her condition had something to do with a particular person (or persons) from her past who really hurt her - and now she is having a tough time recovering. I asked her, "why don't you just detach yourself from all these?" She replied that she just couldn't, that she is really hard on herself and its not easy to just forgive herself.

I didn't quite understand what she meant, but I think I nodded and replied "mmhmm". hahah. Anyway, this really got me thinking, how a relationship between two persons can be so inseparably close at one point and just turn into a messy disaster at the next moment. The same two people, but what happened? Was it because of time and distance? Was it because people change? or was it because the person you thought you knew wasn't who the person really was?

Being vulnerable to another person is scary, it takes a lot of trust and confidence to do it. And after revealing oneself and being accepted for it, Its probably one of the best feeling one can experience. But when it comes to an abrupt end after, the pain would be like several stab wounds to the heart. Being vulnerable also may lead to being clingy and desperate, which in turn could make the relationship between two persons unhealthy. So really, whats the use of being vulnerable and completely honest and totally revealing to another person? Is it even possible for a person who completely accepts me for who I am to exist? I really don't know the the answers to my thoughts but I think that even though its risky, people are still willing to take that chance for the possibility of gaining that thing that everyone longs to have - love.

Heck! now that I think of it. I can even put it in financial market situations, like how people are willing to put large sums of money to invest in risky assets in order to gain large returns in spite of the large risk involved in losing the investment money. hahah. oh gosh, I'm turning into a finance geek by the day! but in the end, I think its save to say that everyone wants to feel accepted and loved. but for people like me, I'm not ready to take the plunge yet?