Recently, so many thoughts just flow through my mind like pouring rain. The conflict of joining a church, the debate between solitary and social interaction, the issue of vulnerability and love, the problem of self image and real self. There's a saying life is easy but we make life complicated. but with the human reasoning with conflicting feelings, who can blame us?
The holidays has just started and I recently got to meet up with old pals. a gulp of old memories and walking down memory lane. I see some people have changed. others still remain the same. and i wonder which category do I fall into. I feel as if I've open up much more to these people, (whom i used to meet everyday but now has switched to meeting up occasionally). But at the same time, I feel like I've reserved myself towards these people too. I talk and I chatter, I laugh and I smile; catching up on each individuals story just to go on our own pathways later. IRONIC. But thank God for that few. that certain few people. I love and treasure with all my entire freaking heart. I will never forget these few. who can make me feel comfortable, make me happy, make me laugh, make me feel like this gathering was so worth it. without these few, the gathering would just be a waste of time for me.
Now I feel like I'm so self centered. Does that mean I wouldn't like those people who doesn't make me feel happy and warm inside? So people are just beings who like beings who like them. Well, to a certain extent that is true isn't it. Loving a person who abuses you or ignores you would be stupid.
But then again I get so people centered. I really am thankful for this break from university, because I finally have the chance to clear my mind and breath in a new perspective in viewing the world and myself. Before the holidays, I was slowly sinking into what i call the "because of others..." mindset. Everything I do, I do because of others, even without me realizing it until now, literally this moment! I look into my closet in the morning, and think about what to wear in order to impress others. I hang and talk with my uni friends so I wont be "left behind" in the recently chatted topics. so eventually, i feel shallow. when confining in a friend one day: his answer is "to get a boyfriend to not feel lonely"? Now, rethinking of the answer my friend has given me, My first thought is "gosh, what has CULTURE done to the 21st century."
Damn culture. culture has slowly icked its way into each and everyone of us. Now culture/trend portrays girls to be "stick thin, sexily dressed, needy, and want sex all the time".(with exceptions) okay, that was a teeny bit over the top but I can say, culture has hugely affected how guys view girls today. I can swear to you its true. based on conversations with the guys at my university. Or is it just the guys in my university. Gosh, what happen to the guys who just wants a girl who is compatible with him instead of a girl who is "way out of the league". Thinking about this really ANNOYS me.
so sometimes i just think, when will life end? I hate confrontation so I run instead
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