it is july

I'll admit it, I had been feeling plain emptiness for the previous two weeks or so. It was as if there was no point in life, like the skies were always grey and it seemed like the sun never wanted to shine its light. But this week, I just feel calm and at peace with myself. Maybe its thanks to the much needed meet up with my gems ;) I'm always always thankful that you guys are there in my life. Though our pathways are no longer in line with each other, it still gives me the warm fuzzy feeling of happiness and familiarity whenever we meet. and I'm always thankful to God for this :)

So there is still 5 more days before flying off to Melbourne. Seriously, I don't know what to expect from this. hahah. Usually, I'll have a plan in mind: like firstly what I am going to do, what I want to achieve, who I want to be. But currently, my mind is like a clean slate, I have nothing in mind, an empty to-do list. For once, I think this is good. I'll just take things as they come, I don't want to have to worry about every single thing any more. It's exhausting. So this is how it feels like, just placing everything in God's hands and trusting Him that He'll do what's best for me. I wonder..if I'll change within these 6 months. haha!

There's so many things I'll miss from home. Its crazy, but the thing I'll miss the most is probably my carefully structured routine in my everyday life. I always tell myself that I hate routines, but ironically they are what I cling on to the most. hahah. Because its familiar, because I'll know what to expect.. its like living in my own little world, where I know where all the traps are and how to avoid them, where my secrets lay hidden in a secret safe, where I am always save.

But its time to get out there, I'm excited to experience something new.

Sigh, its frustrating. Its so frustrating sometimes. I don't know why I feel this way. I'm so annoyed with life. Maybe its just exam stress getting to me :( I hate it when I feel this way; That feeling of pointlessness makes me want to just disappear and vanish from this surface of this earth. I want to scream on top of my lungs because it seems like no one can hear me. How can this be? How can this be? Its like being surrounded by millions of people but yet no one notices me. I know its my problem. I do. I do. This feeling will pass, but at this particular moment, I feel like the world is against me. At times like this, I just want to be in a place where I can escape all my worries - studies, friendships, commitments, fears, criticism, expectations. All these burdens, are just exhausting and sometimes I wish they'd just go away or I can just drop everything and leave this place. At times like this, I wish I could just go to a place that is peaceful; a place of nature where I can hear the trickling of the river and the calls of the wild animals, smell the scent of rain and growing green life and fragrant flowers, see a scatter of glittering stars in an endless night sky or watch the sun rise. If only I could do it, escape to a place where there is no judgement from others and from myself.

rant

In my family, being angry is like some major disgrace. I find it really stupid why that is. Every single time I use a rougher tone than usual My mum always yells back "Don't be so rude" and my sister exclaims "why so angry?!" I mean c'mon!! I have my right to be angry and irritated! When I'm already in that mood the least you can do is just freaking leave me be. I don't know if its just me who is sensitive or whatever but every time I feel negative and get scolded for it, it makes me feel even worse. like its wrong to get angry and feel negative; that I have to swallow up my anger and disregard it and be happy all the time for the sake of everyone else. Is that how it works in the world then? Everyone has to be freaking highly-doped-with-happiness robots every single minute, day, year, lifetime? Its ridiculous.

The one thing that makes it work

Up till now, I hate the feeling of being uncomfortable. Every single time I have to do something new or put myself in a possibly uncomfortable situation, I get nervous and jittery and feel like throwing up. Maybe, that's the reason why I don't usually put myself out there too much. The feeling of comfort gives me a sense of security; I feel confident with at least the thought of knowing what I'm getting myself into. So why do they say that being in your comfort zone all the time is not good? Cause there's no room for improvement? I don't get it. Why deliberately get yourself into a situation where you obviously know you wont enjoy? But yet there's that nagging voice in the background, "how do you KNOW you won't like it? You'll never know till you really try." It's really annoying sometimes. A part of me says "stay here! you know you'll feel much better if you just stay", the other part yells "Just go!! just go and experience something new"

I recently learned something new in my psychology class. When we are in our stages of early childhood to adolescence, we view life ideally. We believe that out there, the world is a perfect place and we meet perfect people and have perfect relationships and everybody is happy. But as we grow older into adulthood, we will learn that this is just a lie, well everybody knows that this is too perfect to be true (like duh). Relationships with other humans are never ideal, it all comes down to one little word that summarises it all- compromise. To make it work, you give this and take that. We have to give time to spend with each other, we have to listen and get to know each other a little better each day. When one messes up, the other has to compromise, swallow up anger and forgive etc. But if you keep taking and taking and just taking, the other person will eventually just get tired! For me, I will get fed up and just stop one day. I'll run away, and I'll never look back. But I know, I mess up too. So dears, If I seem aloof and distant, tell me. And I'm sorry, I will have my reasons, and we'll just have to compromise again..

mayday mayday!

Among a pile of messy stress and frustration, there's always moments of happiness. It just depends on which perspective to have. It has been a terribly busy week, with assignments and quizzes and upcoming exams. It feels like I'm carrying a full plate and it might just tip anytime. But I know what I'm facing now is just teeny tiny beans.. I mean if the world exploded now, I wouldn't go "oh, I still have not completed my sleep deprivation assignment!" Life is funny like that, people think what they have to do is really important, but in reality its really not all that. While anyway, unless the world do explodes, I still have to finish up my assignments. haha

That aside, I said that there's moments of happiness. Its nothing big really, not like I got a free trip to travel round the world or anything. haha. But my moments of happiness is when I can be completely comfortable with another person. No stress, no constant pondering of how to act, not being afraid of being judged and just being who I am. I think that's a happy thing. I can stare and laugh and be quiet and be zoned out and be annoying and be cold and just get accepted for it, there's no pressure to conform and close myself up. yep! its a pretty awesome feeling.

 

love and loss

Today, I helped a friend with her assignment. I am surprised for its my first time seeing her struggle with studies. She is usually the one who puts much effort into her studies; the top student in producing top quality work; the student who stands out in class for asking the lecturer difficult questions. But when we started our semester this year, she seemed so out of zone and she missed out on quite a few classes. To me, it was apparent she had a lot on her mind and was having difficulty on letting go of some issues in the past.

We talked for a bit when we were together. She told me she had been feeling unwell for the past few weeks and that she had some anxiety issues. When she was telling me this, I knew instantly that her condition had something to do with a particular person (or persons) from her past who really hurt her - and now she is having a tough time recovering. I asked her, "why don't you just detach yourself from all these?" She replied that she just couldn't, that she is really hard on herself and its not easy to just forgive herself.

I didn't quite understand what she meant, but I think I nodded and replied "mmhmm". hahah. Anyway, this really got me thinking, how a relationship between two persons can be so inseparably close at one point and just turn into a messy disaster at the next moment. The same two people, but what happened? Was it because of time and distance? Was it because people change? or was it because the person you thought you knew wasn't who the person really was?

Being vulnerable to another person is scary, it takes a lot of trust and confidence to do it. And after revealing oneself and being accepted for it, Its probably one of the best feeling one can experience. But when it comes to an abrupt end after, the pain would be like several stab wounds to the heart. Being vulnerable also may lead to being clingy and desperate, which in turn could make the relationship between two persons unhealthy. So really, whats the use of being vulnerable and completely honest and totally revealing to another person? Is it even possible for a person who completely accepts me for who I am to exist? I really don't know the the answers to my thoughts but I think that even though its risky, people are still willing to take that chance for the possibility of gaining that thing that everyone longs to have - love.

Heck! now that I think of it. I can even put it in financial market situations, like how people are willing to put large sums of money to invest in risky assets in order to gain large returns in spite of the large risk involved in losing the investment money. hahah. oh gosh, I'm turning into a finance geek by the day! but in the end, I think its save to say that everyone wants to feel accepted and loved. but for people like me, I'm not ready to take the plunge yet?

the old typewriter

time flies! its been ages since I wrote anything here. Its just that every single time something happens, I'm either too lazy to write about it or I think its not significant enough to be blogged about. And half of the time when I blog, its when I'm feeling sad and I don't feel like being a bother and a bore to my friends.

Anyway, lo and behold, I'm in my second year of degree at the moment. How time flies! It's been a good one so far. Busy. but good. I'm pretty happy :) Well, I want to let something out now. I don't know if anyone knew about this. But I wasn't exactly excited about graduating from high school two years ago. I wasn't exactly the kind of person who loves change, I wasn't stoked about going to a completely new place to study, meeting new people, leaving everything familiar behind. But now I know that change is a part of life. I still hate it, but I'm learning to embrace it. In a way, change is what build us to improve ourselves, everything new we experience plays a part in building who we are and eventually become. Looking back this past 2 years, I remember feeling a lot of different emotions when I was placed in different situations - some good and some bad. I remember feeling lonely to the point I cried, I remember feeling warm and happy as I lay at my bed at night smiling to myself in darkness. 

Maybe to others I may not have changed and I'm still the same. But, the truth is a third parties view is exactly what it is - an outsider's view. Change comes from within, so only the individual himself will understand it.

There was an old typewriter placed as a decoration in a Satay Shop at Kajang. I thought that it was absolutely beautiful.